The Not Particularly Secret Origin of Kitty Wittgenstein

(excerpt from Chapter Six of Kitty Wittgenstein and the Academy Award-Winning Werewolves)

One of the qualities I like best about myself is my ability to learn. That’s no accident. It seemed clear to me from a young age that a big problem was the sheer amount of things to discover. There was so much knowledge out there that it could take a lifetime to explore it all. Or even longer. That’s why the first thing I devoted myself to studying were memory skills and learning techniques. If I could double or perhaps even triple my rate of learning then I effectively multiplied my knowledge-seeking life span by the same amount.

By the age of fourteen, I’d spent five years reading and understanding as many learning and memory aids as possible. I fused the soundest principles into a single technique. This technique increased my learning capacity tenfold. I spent several months writing my first book about this technique and then studied marketing to become a minor celebrity in Australia. ‘The 15-year-old girl genius who makes learning a snap’ was what they called me. My famous surname didn’t hurt the marketing either

And nor, for that matter, did my rapidly developing body.

By the time I was sixteen, I’d made a number of magazine covers. A modelling agency had signed me and I agreed to some calendar and fashion shoots. Posing and emoting for the cameras was easy to grasp. And it gave me time to study and ponder more substantial matters. With my Enhanced Learning techniques, I could cram three years of learning into three or four months. By the time I was twenty-one I had the equivalent of twenty degrees’ worth of learning. The learning covered a wide variety of disciplines. To go with this, I had my successful modelling career. And by now, I also had an enthusiastic marketing team, headed by Liesel, who transformed my achievements into money.

After my twenty-first birthday, I became more specialised. Philosophy seemed the most fulfilling field for me. It was a field that contained the toughest, and most important, questions. That was enough for me. I was happy to dabble in other disciplines over the next seven years. But philosophy was from that day forward my true calling.

Of course, I followed this little potted biography up with a headbutt to some clown's testicles. But, hey, that's another story... (or, to be more precise, it's the next paragraph in the same story).